Recently at the SSPP youth group, we got into a long discussion about how humans often use pleasure to escape from troubling realities. It hit me harder than I was expecting since admittedly, even I fall into that trap. I loathe to admit it, but I suck at dealing with reality; I’ve dug a hole so deep through running out of money and as horrible as it sounds, I don’t know how to live without having money. After I graduated last May, my parents gave me a generous amount of money, which is what I’ve been living off of for the past 11 months. I almost made it last an entire year, but because I lack self control, it’s mostly run out and the job thing isn’t quite working out for me.
After going on several job interviews now, I’ve become somewhat cynical about the interview process and realize that unfortunately, I don’t have any natural talent for being interviewed. I’ve interviewed for a few restaurants and retail stores and wow! The interviews are MUCH tougher than the actual positions, plus I feel like they don’t really give me a chance to prove my competency. I’m still praying for some employer to give me a chance, yet I realize it’s not about that. I need to hammer down some legit answers to those pesky questions “Why do you want to work at ___________?” “Tell me about a time when ____________” Although to be completely honest, I just need a source of income at this point. It would be nice if I could actually make use of the gifts God gave me, like with typing, proofreading, organizing, filing, using Microsoft Word...
In other news, I went on a discernment retreat over Holy Week at the Daughters of St. Paul motherhouse in Boston. It’s taken me awhile to actually get to blogging about it because I did not receive the clarity which I so desperately sought. I did get a glimpse of what living in a religious community is like and am pretty sure that it’s not right for me (or I’m not right for it?). I still cannot figure out what the heck God wants for me though. There’s still something blocking me from being able to hear Him. Even on the silent retreat day, I failed to get much from Him. Maybe I’m just too caught up in my usual devotions/prayer routines. I think I’m called to marriage? I’m terrified of choosing the wrong vocation; why does my heart always feel pulled in multiple directions???
Interiorly, I’m a mess of emotions and frustrations. I am absolutely disgusted with myself, how even after the retreat, I still fall into the same sins/vices. I’m still barely able to be much of a friend to anyone since I can’t snap out of my anxiety and get myself to truly focus on others. There’s a huge pain of regret that I feel about losing track of my Newman friends/not being able to visit Peoria at all. My parents came up with the rule that I’m not allowed to drive myself to Peoria until I have a job. I do miss Newman, yet I know I needed to move on anyways. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful parish, in which I’ve gradually gotten more involved.
One insight that God has given me lately is how superficial I can be. I find myself questioning why I’m even Catholic in the first place. I have a solid, intellectual understanding of the faith and teachings, but I can’t seem to truly put them into practice. Do I truly love Christ? Or do I just enjoy my prayer routines and liturgy?
What’s it going to take for me to find peace with Christ? How can I get myself to quit resisting the changes I know I need to make? I do desire holiness, at least I think I do. I just feel so trapped sometimes. Is there any hope for me? It's finally Easter - the season for which I've been longing all through Lent, and yet I'm still not completely joyful.