I feel as though I have been living a lie since I fear allowing people to see the real me. I’ve heard many times that I should not care about what others think, all that matters is what God thinks of me. Yet, I can’t quite get myself to not care about what other people think of me. Plus, I’ve been fighting an interior battle of self absorption and wish I could just snap my finger and be like Blessed Mother Theresa - serving others without caring what others thought or worrying about herself. I want to be holy and Christlike so badly and hate how much I continuously screw up and give into my weaknesses.
Anyways, it’s been over six months since I graduated from college. I originally thought that I would find some job within a month or two, start saving up money, and be on my way to moving out of my parents’ house. Maybe I’d even meet my future husband and I would start on the typical life plan of career and marriage.
As is often the case, God had other plans for me. Instead of pursuing a career, I began pursing Christ (or maybe He was pursing me?) on a much deeper level than ever before. Sometimes spending up to 3 hours straight in my parish’s Adoration chapel, which now feels like a second home to me. Not that I’m super holy, sometimes, I’d go there just as a break from being in my house.
Recently, I have found myself at a crossroads, torn in two directions. A few years ago, Christ inflamed my heart with passion for the virtue of chastity. Now, it seems like He’s putting a new idea on my heart, one that terrifies me to admit — a vocation to the religious life, specifically with the Daughters of St. Paul, whose charism is sharing Christ through the media, which kinda fits me perfectly!
As strongly as I desire marriage, after spending countless hours in Adoration, as well as an agonizing job search, I realize that I have an even stronger desire to serve Christ as fully as possible. As I went through the job search, it become ever more apparent how fake I felt, how untrue to myself, how not at peace it has left me. Yet, I kept trying to force myself to ignore those feelings so I could do what my parents expect.
I wish there were someone who could understand what I have been going through since graduation — the intense interior battle that has left me emotionally exhausted. I crave the Eucharist more than ever, yet, I still persist in sinful habits and I’m nowhere near holiness. I still have emotional wounds that need healing and I greatly need to work on living out my faith, putting it in action. I seem to have the prayer part down and I do genuinely enjoy explaining the faith, but, a major struggle is showing love to others who have no interest in the faith at all. I suck at expressing my care and concern for others, it always seems to come out wrongly as I allow negative emotions to interfere.
Anyways, I’m just in the very initial part of discernment, I have no idea where it will lead. I do know though that at this point in my life, I am not called to the working world…terrifying thought! I can’t shake the “I need to have a job” thought from my mind. For months now, I’ve been consumed with guilt, thinking that it’s so irresponsible of me to remain unemployed. Maybe it is. Yet, I know Christ is calling me to follow Him and to surrender my desires to Him.