Monday, February 3, 2014

Reflecting on Life Again

Whoa! 2 months since my last post?!? Seriously??

So I just thought I'd post some updates about the mixed up life of Margo for anyone who's interested. Overall, life is pretty much same old, same old, still livin with the parents and kinda looking for a job. I'll be going on my first vocation-discernment retreat with the Daughters of St. Paul at their Boston motherhouse during Holy Week in April!! Here's hoping and praying that will help enlighten me as to whether I should seriously pursue religious life.

I'm so back and forth between religious life and married life. There's still a major part of me that desires marriage and longs to be a stay-at-home mother. But, religious life, especially the Daughters of St. Paul is becoming more appealing as well...and I still struggle with trying to get my will matched up with God's will.

I think I have far too many desires, but can't get myself to act on any of them, other than the discernment retreat. Here's just a brief "bucket list"

  • Study for a Master's Degree in Theology at the Augustine Institute in Denver
  • Travel to Rome and explore the Vatican while eating authentic Italian deliciousness
  • Work as a Youth Minister, or Director of Religious Ed, or as a pastor's Personal Assistant, or even just as a parish office assistant, OR as an apologist for Catholic Answers
  • run a marathon (or maybe do another half)
  • Figure out my vocation once and for all
  • Overcome my vices, actually develop self discipline, and live entirely for Jesus, being completely selfless, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind....being so close to Christ that I naturally radiate His love to everyone I meet so then they will fall in love with Him

I'm also starting to go ridiculously stir crazy and am actually getting motivated to get one of those job things, even though I managed to make things hard for myself by taking way too long to get my act together, which means a mostly blank resume (at least I do have some volunteer experience, but I haven't had a legit paid job since December of 2011).

I somehow found a bunch of theological discussion groups on Facebook, which are now what keep me "busy", trying to explain the faith to others (mostly Protestants) while working on that patience virtue. I don't know why, but I LOOOVE discussing theology/morality/chastity...if only I could get paid for that. Seriously, God has given me some pretty interesting gifts/talents, but I can't quite make a living off any of them, *frustration*

I got trapped in my routine of 5:15 daily mass at my parish and for too long, I was afraid of having to give that up in order to have a job. Spending time with Jesus became overly important to me and I'm just now realizing that I am probably one of the most unusual young adults ever. I mean I'd rather spend time with Jesus than have a job?!? It's terribly irresponsible for me and it's probably high time for me to wake up and realize that unfortunately, life costs money. I can't live with my parents forever; I need money for rent, electricity, groceries, clothes...and I am trying to live simplistically, which is way easier said than done.

*Sigh* I really need to get better at this being-an-adult thing...sometimes I feel more like an 80-year-old trapped in a 20-year-old body since I'm SUCH a homebody and super low key about things...why is getting a job and figuring out my vocation so freaking difficult?? (yes, rhetorical question)

May God bless you all :)

11 comments:

  1. Margo,

    I feel kind of sorry for you. I'm afraid to give you advice because I don't want you to view me as a tempter of some sort. Some people, including my wife sometimes, think that I am under the influence of the dark side, which I'm not. I think it is unfortunate that anyone would think that.

    If you can get past that idea, I would tell you to try to break out of your obsession. I've been there myself. Around 1980, I became totally obsessed with my Catholic faith. I was working for the EPA and not much was expected of me. I spent my days staring at a picture of Jesus and writing a diary of sorts. I had this strange ability to completely fill a sheet of lined paper with my thoughts which included prayers that I would write.

    When I lost my faith in 2009, I was filled with regret for all the time and talent I squandered while being so religious all those years.

    Without sounding like I am trying to tempt you away from your faith, I just want to warn you that someday you might experience the same regrets.

    Some people maintain set beliefs to the day they die. Others, in my opinion, see the light and end up resenting having been misguided for so long. If you really want to be sure about your future, maybe you should read what the other side has to say with an open mind. If you are still not convinced, then your faith should be even stronger. If you are convinced, you will have avoided wasting any more of your life thinking about an imaginary afterlife.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Margo,

    One more thing. I just wonder what your parents are telling you and are you listening to them? Is a religious life really what they want for their daughter? Or do they just want for you what you want for yourself. I've always just wanted what was best for my sons. One is gay and I am fine with it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was mostly venting in this post. Although I may sometimes get overly frustrated, I would NEVER EVER consider leaving Christ and His Church. If there's a problem and it's between me and the Church, I take responsibility and see how I change/grow/mature since Christ gave the Holy Spirit to His Bride, the Church and promised that the gates of Hell would not prevail against it.

    I have no doubts that I will face Jesus at the end of my life; I pray that I will seek His mercy and eventually praise Him for all eternity in Heaven. It is most definitely NOT imaginary :)

    My parents want me to fulfill God's Will and if that's religious life, great, if it's married life, great, or if it's single life, great!

    I'm actually going to be doing a post explaining and clarifying the Church's teaching on those with same sex attraction. Here's a preview: they are beloved children of God called to love Christ in a very special way :) It should be up by next week at the latest!

    ReplyDelete
  4. "If there's a problem and it's between me and the Church, I take responsibility and see how I change/grow/mature"

    So. There would never be a situation where you were right and it were up to the Church to "grow/change/mature"?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Margo -
    I'm unsure how to go about talking about this. It's been brewing within me for a long time, and I'm nearly positive that no matter what I say, you will answer with some memorized, prescriptive thing that will dance around the issue without ever addressing it.

    So I don't really know why I'm saying anything at at. Perhaps I just want you to think. I don't know.
    We went to Bradley together. We had a few classes together. I am charismatic. You know who I am, but I'm not comfortable with my story matching my face.

    I grew up in a household with a man who claimed to love God - who went to Catholic church, and thought because he did that, everything else he did was justifiable. Maybe he went to confession to make himself feel better, I don't know.

    But he was not a good man. I was never safe in my home. He used a lot of drugs and alcohol and beat my mother, sister, and I for as long as I can remember. I wore jeans and long pants in the summer to cover up bruises. I got really good at making up excuses for cuts and bumps. All I ever was was scared. Because I was scared that if I told, it would get worse. People wouldn't believe me.

    The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 10. I didn't even know there was a word for it - suicide - I didn't know it was a thing that people did or that anyone else could ever even think of it. But all I wanted was to not be with my father anymore.

    I went to CCD. I grew up in the church and believed for a long time. But... I prayed. I prayed every night to die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to do it anymore, so I wouldn't have to suffer. I prayed for Daddy to stop hurting me - for him to smile - for him to love me. But nothing ever changed. I prayed for something to change - anything - and nothing ever did.

    The summer before 8th grade was the first and only time I called the police. My father lied to them. They believed him, and not the two sobbing girls, bruised, begging them not to leave. Nothing ever came of that visit. No investigation - nothing.
    I think that's when I stopped believing.

    I still go back home for breaks. Everything is still the same. If anything, after I tried to get help, it just got worse. He's killed my pets, but most of all, he's killed my spirit.

    I know it's an old argument, but... why? Who would allow a ten-year-old want to kill herself? To actually try? If there was salvation, why wouldn't a young child who had done nothing but exist deserve it? Why would he ever be forgiven for his actions simply because he said them outloud behind a shroud?

    you're probably going to say we, as humans, are in no place to pass judgement. that God's forgiveness is all that matters. That as long as you confess, it is forgiven. But -- how? HOW? How could a man who destroyed his family be given a pass? Why should he get heaven when I do not, because he broke me?
    I would give anything to be able to believe - to have that comfort of something bigger taking care of me - but I can't. Every time I try, I know I'm lying to myself. I can't. i can't.

    Sometimes you say and do things that make me feel even less than a human than I already do. I'm sorry I do not prescribe to your belief system. But whether or not you intend to "attack people," you DO. You alienate them and make them feel like scum. You say you're doing it for their benefit - to help them see the light and gain salvation - but I don't know if that's your place.
    I don't need you to save me.
    People can still be good people without believing.

    I hope this didn't come off as attack-y. I just wanted to talk. Things aren't as black and white as you see them. You are unknowningly surrounded by people who've had hardships like you can't imagine. I wish you'd keep that in mind sometimes.

    If I go to hell - okay.
    All I know for sure is that when i die, my body will be fertilizer for flowers, and my atoms with be part of those flowers.
    I'm okay with being a flower.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello icassai,

    Thank you for helping me practice the virtue of humility with your comment. First, my heart truly goes out to you and all the emotional and physical pain you have suffered that is beyond my comprehension. I also do apologize if I ever came off as overly harsh whether in person or on this blog. That is definitely not my intention. Admittedly, one of my weaknesses is letting my passion blind me to how others perceive me. I get so passionate about wanting to share God's love that sometimes ironically, the opposite occurs. I would never want anyone to feel like scum or less than human - I want them to embrace the fullness of their humanity. I truly truly apologize from the bottom of my heart and hope you can someday forgive me. Also, I completely understand and respect your desiring to remain anonymous.

    Now, onto answering some of your questions. No person gets a pass from God who reads each person's heart upon their death and ultimately it becomes our choice where we spend eternity, either we choose to love & serve God to the best of our ability during life and then praise Him for all eternity or we reject God (through our sinful choices and refusing to repent). I can't say where either you or your father will be going, but only that your father would have to truly repent of the suffering he's caused your family.

    All I can say is that Jesus is suffering with you. What hurts you, hurts Him as well and I know He wants you to find healing and peace. I myself cannot save anyone, that's the job of the Holy Spirit. All I try to do is share the Truth of Jesus Christ with others and explain the reasonings for the various beliefs and teachings of His Church.

    If it's ok, I would like to share a resource with you called Made in His Image which is dedicated to positive healing for young women who have endured intense suffering similar to your own. It's all about embracing love, especially from the One who loves you perfectly.

    Take care!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops, seems like the link didn't work - madeinhisimage.org is the website, I truly hope it helps.

      Delete
  7. Margo,

    I'm trying to wean myself off of Leila's blog. I didn't think that you meant that you couldn't coexist with people of other faiths. It is more that you wonder how the faiths themselves can coexist with one another when they state exactly opposite views. It could be said that Jesus was one of the most divisive people who ever existed. He set family members against one another including me against my wife. The arguments I have online are those that I can't have with my wife if we are to coexist. I don't even have to tell you this because you would never do it. Don't ever marry out of the faith. Yeah. Like I have to tell YOU that.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bill, are you dead set on Catholicism being wrong because you realize that if it is true, it would mean having to make some drastic changes to your life in order to live according to the teachings?

    That is only one reason and it isn't the primary one. That would be the complete lack of credibility that religion has in my estimation. It is not set up to be credible.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Margo,

    I'm sorry about the term I used and the way I presented it. I'm not making any friends on Leila's blog and she has asked me not to comment on the next thread. I'm sorry if I came across as being rude. I don't really know why I keep arguing with Catholics when I have decided that Catholicism is not for me. It's like breaking up with someone and continuing to check her Facebook. I should just let it go.

    Overall, I think the Catholic Church does amazing things for the world. At the same time, it takes these political stands that drive me up a wall and I try to tell Catholics how wrong they are for not questioning the Church or their faith. In doing so, I've just made a nuisance of myself. You have been polite to me while I have been rude to you and I just want to apologize to you personally for anything I have said that has offended you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahh! So good as always! Hopefully this can be a peaceful thread :)

    Yes. It will be. Sorry for rocking the boat.

    ReplyDelete